Tuesday, April 24, 2018
Parenting & Relationships

Tell Me About It: Exes hide their casual dating from son

Exes hide their casual dating from son

Q: I’m a divorced woman in my early 50s with a 23-year-old son, "Dave," who I am very close to. My ex-husband, "Jim," and I split up about 12 years ago and managed over time to become friends again and co-parent effectively.

I have come to see that Jim just isn’t cut out for commitment. He’s single again after and I never remarried.

A few months ago, I took Jim out to dinner to thank him for throwing some business my way and one thing led to another. Long story short, we have developed a very casual relationship — for lack of a better term, "friends with benefits."

I’d like to keep this a secret from Dave as I don’t want to give him the idea we might be getting back together. The problem is that Jim spends the night about once or twice a week and Dave is in the habit of dropping by my place frequently and always unannounced.

We can’t go to Jim’s place since I have two dogs and a cat that can’t be left overnight. Jim also refuses to take a cab or Uber over. He says if Dave finds out, we’ll just deal with it then.

Should we just keep our fingers crossed that Dave doesn’t find out before this thing ends, or should I somehow find a way to tell him upfront?

Keeping a Secret From My Son

A: You’re casually dating your ex. OK then. You made the choice, now pick your preferred consequence: letting your son walk in on this news, or telling him yourself.

Not that it’s mine to make, but the choice seems obvious. "Just so you know, your father stays over here occasionally. I didn’t want you to find out by walking in on him one day." When he asks you what’s going on, you say, "Nothing serious, we’re just friends." .

The getting-back-together prospect might have meant a lot 12 years ago, but surely now Dave can handle more nuance.

And finally: It’ll be weird for him, but only if he doesn’t give it more than a moment’s thought. You were drawn to each other once, so why not twice?

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